I Needs Me a Brokeback Mountain Sneezer...Then Some
Well, I've done it again. It's a life skill. You've either got it or you haven't, and I obviously have. I can insult people when I'm being complimentary. I don't know how I do it, but I do. I guess it's just God-given. I'm the Joan of Arc of offence.
Or maybe not.
Maybe , and this is just a maybe, mind you, for anyone who's just aching to take offence, (like me saying maybe will stop them), this is all about not owning who you are. The trouble with having more than one face (or hat, or any other metaphor you choose to use) is that people will judge you by it. Like it or not, you wear it, you own it.
As you all know, if you've been reading along, I wrote a piece yesterday on the marketing phenomenon of sneezers, the people who, God bless 'em, create word of mouth. In it I identified the best sneezer I know, a woman who is fiercely passionate about her causes, a woman who, at least at that single point, is identical to me.
Sadly, it's almost where she and I come adrift.
No, forget the almost, it is where she and I come adrift.
And this, of course, is at the root of the problem. She hates conflict, she says so (her word is confrontation). And that, my friends, is why she is upset, even hurt. Because her and I are in conflict. We are not the same. And if I am not of her I must be against her, or so she fears.
The idea of avoiding conflict in life is rather like avoiding pain, or suffering. Can't be done.
No end of people make themselves miserable in life thinking they can avoid pain, or suffering, or, indeed, conflict. We all know someone (many people) who will put up with any amount of shit in order to avoid the demon conflict. The web is thick with friend-locked journals, where timid souls think they can lock out dissidents, nasty people, rude people, and, ultimately, simply any people who think differently, because, yes, they will ultimately bring in conflict. It's the nature of the beast.
None of this is earth-shattering news. What is more interesting is the shame and fear that permeates her response. As I said before I, of all people, understand what it is to be passionately involved in something. For the last thirteen years I have done nothing but DANNY. I reckon that knocks spots off the mad obsession of a few months worshipping at the feet of Brokeback Mountain. I said, and I'm going to quote myself because I enjoy it, "God, I should be so lucky to get a sneezer like that."
Think that's sarcastic?
Is it fuck. I meant, categorically, without humour or irony, "God, I should be so lucky to get a sneezer like that."
Why, then, this?
"... my devotion to Brokeback Mountain, which I'd be first to admit IS an obsession - one I share with very, very many people. If you think my [journal] has been the source of endless promotion you obviously haven't visited either Andy's Towleroad or Dave Cullen's Ultimate Fan Forum."
Why does she feel defensive about being a fan? Why does she feel ashamed of who she is? Because it is who she is. Why does she feel it has to be explained? Why would I care if many people or very many people did it? Does that make it alright, acceptable, valid? Who am I that she should justify herself to me? She says at a later point that she has a personal life, commitments, family.
Well , paydirt, she is way ahead of me. I have no family, no job, no personal life. DANNY is my life.
She is normal, I am not. But the major difference is I am not ashamed of that. I couldn't be offended by anyone saying I was a sad loser who knew nothing but writing, films, my own fucking book.
I'd say, "Your point being?"
And it is this shame and fear that locks us in different worlds.
Remember that prescience I told you about recently? Well, after writing yesterday's piece I discussed it with Himself. I was telling him that the only thing I thought anyone would get annoyed about this time was the description of vanilla, fag-hag porn. I said this would separate the sheep from the lambs. If she felt it was an insult it meant she wasn't who she claimed to be. If she didn't even notice it then, indeed, she was exactly who she seemed, and comfortable with who she was.
Well, I was right about that. But totally surprised by the Brokeback reaction. I was complimenting her. She's a fucking marketer's goldmine. I'll say it again, I wish to Christ I had one of her. I'd clone her.
The fact is the offence at the vanilla remarks reveals another conflict between us. I have one face. It's the one you see. I only wear one hat. I have no secret identities, no people-pleasing personas. I make no attempt to pass myself off as 'normal'.
Our sneezer, on the other hand, is a woman of many faces. Those she sees as acceptable, and those she is ashamed of. She will claim that these hidden faces are ones she cannot show, because of friends and family. But unless someone is holding a gun to your head you always have a choice. And the fact is, she made a choice to be who she is. Secret her and public her.
"What gets me riled though is your assumption you know what my taste in porn is- based on what? Browsing through the public access areas of my [journal]?"
Yes, absolutely. Where the fuck did you think I got it? From your private, friends-locked journal? The one I can't see? The shameful one?
If you choose to present two separate faces to the world then you can't come crying that people don't know you. Surprise - they don't . Because, guess what, they judge you on what they see. And what I see is a woman who is too afraid to show her true face, and who prefers vanilla, fag-hag porn.
The deep irony of this is, although I don't like vanilla fag-hag porn, I have no trouble with anyone else liking it. You go for it. Matters not one jot to me. All it does is separate the sheep from the lambs.
Which brings me back to the real point in hand. I stand by what I said, this woman is a superb advert for any cause she chooses to take on. She hasn't taken on mine. This is not her problem. I never said it was. It's my problem. And I still say, more vehemently than ever, I wish to Christ she was on my team, because she is one passionate, devoted, dedicated fan.
